These past few days have not been the best. It all ended with me crying on my futon while listening to “Nearer My God to Thee” from The Titanic. Dramatic, right?
Yeah, probably. Probably too dramatic for the situation, but I must admit that I needed to cry because of how upset I was becoming at the state of my mind and the position of my relationship with God.
It began this Wednesday night, when I began to think that a friend of mine was angry with me because of how she had been acting around me lately. This was hard for me because I thrive off of words of affirmation, which is undoubtedly my love language. So, when I think people are angry with me, I do not take it very well to say the least.
I found out later that she actually wasn’t mad at me, but that wasn’t until later, so from that point on, things began to snowball. This got me thinking about if I was a good RA or not. I began to compare myself with other members of my staff, which brought my self-esteem and confidence to an even lower level.
Then, I began to think about a relationship that I have with one of my friends that instills fear in me, which isn’t really supposed to happen in a relationship, but in this case, it does. I usually fear judgment from this person- for some reason, I fear that this individual thinks I’m annoying and hangs out with me because she feels obligated to do so. Again, when I think people are annoyed with me or dislike me, I do not take it well.
Next, I started thinking about my most ambiguous secret that I have not told many people about. This secret is more of a trial I have in my life, and every day I strive to control it so that no one finds out what it is. Some days, it doesn’t affect me at all, and other days, it’s a lot harder to deal with. When it’s harder to deal with, I lose my faith in God because I begin to think that he can’t fix something in my life that I think is so hard to deal with, and that he can’t fix me, a lost cause.
There are lots of reasons why I don’t tell people about this trial I face. If I haven’t told you, please don’t begin to think that I trust you less than some of my other friends. I know that honesty is by far the best policy, but in most situations, I am not ready to talk about yet.
And there was even something good in my life that made the snowball grow even larger. On Friday, while I was in the back room (the room behind the front desk in the residence hall I work in), my hall director pulled me aside to talk to me about something. I freaked out a little because I thought it was going to be about something I had done wrong, but he reassured me that it was a good thing. So, I sat down in the chair in front of his desk, and he told me that he thought I should also consider applying for the ARA position for next year because he thinks I would be good at it.
I was surprised, and honored that he thought I would be able to do this, but at the time, I was feeling a little overwhelmed at everything that was going on. You could basically say that I felt like the “Y U NO” meme guy:
Pretty strange looking guy, but that’s how I felt.
Anyways, all of this led to me lying on my futon while crying to sad tunes that were playing off of my laptop. Being that my iTunes is set to shuffle, a song started playing that I needed to hear. It’s called “Forget and Not Slow Down” by Relient K. Literally all the lyrics from the song were what I needed to hear at the time.
At first, these were the lyrics that stood out to me the most:
“I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch”
One huge problem that was causing this life problems snowball to happen was the control I wanted to have over the trials in my life. I was trying to control everything so much that I was afraid to trust God and let go of it. To me, this was Him telling me that I needed to let go of what I was controlling and trust Him to handle it. After all, that’s what He does! He is a God whom I can have faith in, and I need to start resting my life in the hands of the one whom I can trust.
Another cause of this life problems snowball that was happening was the regrets that I was holding onto from the past. I believe that one of the reasons I have fear in that particular relationship I mentioned before is because I always dwell on the things I could have done differently, for example, I will ask myself, “why did I say that!” or, “I could have reacted differently in this situation!” in accordance with the things I want to change about the past.
And for this, the Lord spoke to me through these lyrics from the same song:
“Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could've done better but what good do what ifs do.”
To me, this was so applicable to my life. It made me realize that really, what good do “what ifs” do? If you keep wondering “what if?”, it will only slow your progress and impede on your ability to freely witness for the Lord.
In many ways, I feel that this song was like the key to my jail cell. It liberated me from what was holding me back. It helped me come to the understanding that I don’t have to worry about what I’ve done or what I’m going to do wrong in the future, I just need to trust God to take control and to redeem those aspects of me that aren’t perfect.
And I know that once I’m able to let go and allow God to free me from my jail cell, I will be at peace.